Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
