im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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