I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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