I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize