Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
