That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
