the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
