Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
