i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
