It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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