Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
