I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
