I hate all girls vehemently.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
