Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
