I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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