do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
