I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
