I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
