It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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