Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
