3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
