It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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