my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
