...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
