His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
