Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
