Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize