she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
