Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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