You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
