Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
