it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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