My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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