I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
