I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
