she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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