My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
