I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
