he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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