LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
