apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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