I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
