It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
