Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
