My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize