Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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