for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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