I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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