I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
