It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I touched a dick in church today
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
