last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
