it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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