you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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