Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
