oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
