this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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