does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
