she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
