had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I could make wine with my vomit
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
