i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
