Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
